Veronin

Have you ever witnessed a man punching cancer in the face? Me neither, until I watched Psychic Wars. The above may sound like a scene mistakenly taken out of context, but do not be fooled: this is an anime that takes itself very seriously. It is an anime so atrociously bad on every level that solitary confinement may be considered a more pleasurable experience. Perhaps if I were not some kind of passive-aggressive masochist who finds amusement in dreadful anime, I would have attempted to hang myself in order to free my mind from this abomination. Welcome to Toei Animation's brilliant chef-d'oeuvre: Psychic Wars. Writing aproper synopsis for this anime is about as difficult as writing a master's thesis, seeing as absolutely nothing in the story makes sense to begin with. It's after the startling discovery of living cancer that doctor Ukyo suddenly finds himself standing outside of his car in the middle of nowhere, beckoned to an abandoned shack by the wind growling at him (literally). Inside he finds an idol, which awakens Super Saiyan abilities inside of him after many hideously animated explosions and encouragement from a mysterious voice. Why was he there in the first place? Why is he even given these powers? What logical connection does this scene have to the previous one? Who knows. Maybe it was just too deep and profound for my plebeian mind to comprehend. The rest of the story makes about as much sense as anything before. With Ukyo incoherently being teleported to an ancient Earth (colored in sepia— truly magnificent artistic design), cancer headcrabs jumping on him while he makes homoerotic noises, a race of time-travelling ogres aspiring to rule the world, and Ukyo punching one of said ogres in the testicles— there becomes a point when the viewer starts to wonder what the fuck they are even watching. It's around the scene when Ukyo's naked body is prominently displayed on the balcony that the entire experience begins to feel like a horrifying nightmare; the kind that no amount of therapy will ever erase from your mind. Psychic Wars' romance subplot is also revoltingly terrible, as is customary for this anime. There is no development in the relationship between Ukyo and his nurse, Fuyuko. It is something that simply happens. No explanation is given as to how they fell in love with each other, and there is no reason for the viewer to care even the slightest bit about their feelings. It seems that in the world of Psychic Wars, fundamental narrative steps are irrelevant. Instead, complacency is found through the duplication of abysmal B-movies, marked by the two hugging under the sunset while cheesy music plays in the background. And in order to produce even more cringeworthy melodrama, his love interest just so happens to be the antagonist that the entire film was excessively foreshadowing. I bet you were never expecting such a shocking revelation. Ukyo is one of the most bland characters of any anime, a gary stu with absolutely no defining features besides his super saiyan abilities. Is he a sympathetic character that unfortunately fell victim to the abominable writing, or is he simply there to seem 'cool' and progress events along? Who knows. It's not like Psychic Wars ever cared about its characterization in the first place. The dialogue is expressed through one of the worst dubs I have ever heard in my life. Not a single character sounds decent, nor do the voice actors even attempt to convey emotion through the dialogue. Ukyo sounds like a disgruntled man painfully forced to read the lines of something he knows is awful. His tone remains entirely identical throughout the film, no matter whether the scene be emotional or action-based. Fuyuko sounds horrid as well, but the side characters are easily the worst offender. Listening to the professor foolishly describe dull prehistoric history had me wanting to grab the nearest pen and stab my ears, while an old tribal man (sounding like a 20-year-old attempting to be 80) had me bursting out in some form of depraved laughter. Even terrible anime at least contain a few redeeming aspects, but not Psychic Wars. This is a title worse than the terrible. The soundtrack feels plagiarized from any 80's B-Movie, while the animation and sound effects vary from poor to downright abhorrent. For an action movie, the scenes where Ukyo is actually fighting tend to be worse than anything else in the film. A significant amount of the choreography simply makes no sense, such as Ukyo flinging his head back and flying backwards in pain with no attack even connecting to his body. The frame-rate is often so choppy that it's difficult to even understand what is going on during the action scenes. Unfortunately, even the individuals with a fondness for the cheesy and low-budget will find nothing of value here. Only horror and heads repeatedly connecting with the nearest wall. Psychic Wars is an abomination of an anime. It ranks at the very bottom with the likes of Mars of Destruction and Skelter Heaven, in some aspects even succeeding in being more nauseating. I would not even consider recommending this anime to any sane human being, unless you hate yourself and wish to engage in mental torture. Being locked in a room with Psychic Wars playing would undoubtedly turn any unfortunate soul comatose in a matter of hours. This anime is worse than cancer. Run away, and never look back.

Maur

This was a surprising triumph over any desires for success or entertainment. The dialogue was stiff, the scene transitions were clumsy, the story was inane, the drama was laughable and the fights were silly at best. I really wish I had more to say but it really was just that bad. The animation was maybe slightly above what you would see on Voltron, and yet, probably the best thing about this movie. Creating something this bad requires a dedicated team of sadists and misanthropists.